While the Internet has been one of the most valuable tools of my whole entire life (what would I do without my daily dose of feministing?), it also gets me into quite a bit of trouble—particularly because I am the world’s biggest hypochondriac and the Internet just feeds my sick, sick mind. Every time I get a foreign bump on my skin or a slight soreness in a new spot, I rush onto WebMD and immediately throw myself into a tizzy about my possible diagnosis. Fortunately, until today, I was always way off base. 

For the past few weeks, I’ve had several stints of really horrendous stomach pains on my right side. At first—much to Dan’s delight by the way—I thought that spinach was bothering me. He rejoiced as I threw away the bags of organic spinach I had stored in the freezer and I thought I had solved the problem. Until Friday, when I ate homemade nachos (sans spinach) and had the same issues. Maybe I was lactose intolerant? I went along with my new hypothesis, avoiding milk, cheese, and ice cream all weekend until I made tofu, vegetables and quinoa last night and guess what? Same stomach problems. When you’re consuming TOFU, veggies, and QUINOA and have stomach problems, something is amiss. 

After consulting with my good friend/addiction WebMD, I diagnosed myself with gallstones and decided that it was time to see the doctor. It only took a few minutes for me to describe my symptoms before my doc set me up for an ultrasound tomorrow morning to look for…gallstones. Crap. And apparently they can occur when you lose weight like I have been lately. I can’t win. Double crap. 

If the ultrasound confirms the gallstones, I will need to have my gallbladder removed. Unfortunately, my hypochondria extends into all things surgery related. I have never been under anesthesia before and the thought of it completely freaks me out. What if I wake up half way through the procedure and there’s a tube in my throat and I’m choking and no one in the operating room can tell? I think I saw an episode about that on Maury once…